Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
A drum solo but on your face.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.