Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.