“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
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Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.