Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.