Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess