those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
The old gods are rising again.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp