4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!