If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My background check bounced.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys