it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”