Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
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My biological clock is wheezing.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Now this is how you LinkedIn
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
God, I love Scotland
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.