my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
You Might Also Like
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
tis the season
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.