I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no