Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You Might Also Like
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Challenge accepted.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The internet is magic sometimes.
RT if you could go either way.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“A little help here, Danny?”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.