There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
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The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”