So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.