The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Education is vital
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever