Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest