At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Cat.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.