If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake