Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping đ
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Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and itâs an automatic, âYou donât know anything.â
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I donât have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*serious situation*
My brain:
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
him: itâs whatâs inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, âIf only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no questionâŚâ Crickets.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
As a belated Valentineâs Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said âmy crackersâ while waiting for the hug to end
Canât. Iâm busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I donât wanna party like itâs 1999, I want to pay my bills like itâs 1999
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
âGreyâs Anatomyâ but itâs told entirely through the lens of the hospitalâs HR department.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.