I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.