If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it