Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
You Might Also Like
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Happy Febuary everyone!
#Caturday
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.