7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God