[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Canada has crack?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.