Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
🤣✨#caturday
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”