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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?