*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later