Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Hmmmmm
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Worst perfume name ever.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator