Sending in my taxes
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
HOW DARE YOU
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??