Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I feel it
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Can Happiness buy money?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.