Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
live, laugh, laundry.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
THIS HEADLINE
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅