ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Whoa 😂
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
*updates tinder bio*
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to