Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT