Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I’m listening
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Had to try this trend 😊