Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
describing stardew valley
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The news in a nutshell.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE