Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
You Might Also Like
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Midwest trash talk
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I mean…but I did
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.