Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.