They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Awwwww shit.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.