[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
the icebreaker
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA