How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.