My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”