Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.