The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.