ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder