Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
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You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.