I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
brian had himself a morning…
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.