My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.