FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
For the ones in the back.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why