getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
The struggle is real
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single